Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.