Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
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A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”