help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
“That’s what” – She
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The government even made aliens boring
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life