Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*