Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Breaking news:
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
never forget
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs