“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
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[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Erm I’m gonna say no