When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
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I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.