What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*