Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
You had me at “define legal”.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
This guy’s not having it 😆
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages