Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
You Might Also Like
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”