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me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Hey i am sexy to you now
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*