I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
You Might Also Like
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!