I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
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You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
That was easy.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Plant care tips
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.