Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up