Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance