[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.