If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
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Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Who wants to be my Valentine?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*