an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
🤣😈🤣
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
we’re dead?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.