What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!