[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.