If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Was it something I said?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”