Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
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Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.