he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
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The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
#damn
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Mmmm canned fish.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them