ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.