International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I want this so bad
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.