Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
You Might Also Like
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.