So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
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Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
#milo
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm