girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I want this so bad
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.