Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
You Might Also Like
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV