Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.