good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Time for evil
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.