when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
The future is now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Did…did a minotaur write this
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor