In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.