The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
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My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎