I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat