I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
How to draw a duck
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.