[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.