I’ll be mad as hell!
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i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces