“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I don’t make the rules sorry
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
#merica
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*