I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.