Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you