There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
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Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
🛁
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.