HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
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[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I have so many questions.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.