I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
work smarter, not harder
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.