the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.