Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
finally found a reasonable question
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂