My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
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If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
next level snooze
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.