i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Brands during Pride
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father