Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
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I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Möther may I have a snäck
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing