Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
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I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life